Retarded SP Drabbles
by jinkiez
Summary: Umm I couldn't think of a clever title..basically where I dump silly short stories, South Park style.
1. Dance Your A Off

_I know I should be finishing my other story, which I definitely will..some day._

_But somehow writing these silly, pointless short stories is more fun. I figured it would be better to just put my short stories into one story so I don't spam the list of stories..you know? Each chapter will be a little story in itself._

* * *

"HAHAHAHA! OH MAH GAHD!" Cartman wheezed and shook violently on the couch, laughing hysterically at the TV screen in front of him. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stood with puzzled expressions, having been let in by Mrs. Cartman moments ago. He looked like a dying whale-goat hybrid in a heart attack.

"_Hey, ma__ybe he'll really die this time._." Kyle whispered to his friends. He didn't really like going to Cartman's house. Primarily because, well, it was Cartman's house. The only reason he was here was because he heard that Cartman had that new video game they all wanted, and he _had_ to come see it. Unfortunately, not everyone's mothers were pushovers like Mrs. Cartman, and so the rest of them had to wait until Christmas. Or in Kyle's case, his birthday. Because on Hannukah, you never really got anything besides stupid erasers and other cheap miscellaneous school supplies.

"Hahahah..heh!" Cartman's laughter slowly ceased, but then started back up again when he looked at the screen.

On TV, a group of overweight people danced across a flashy stage to some horribly renditioned remake of a Donna Summer song. It seemed like a sort of amateur dance contest, only it was ten times funnier. At least to Cartman.

"What the hell are you watching?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh..jesus..this is the funniest..thing..I evar saw." he huffed and puffed, coughing and choking back on his laughter. Kenny soon joined in on the laughter as the people formed a circle around an obese man, who rolled around on the floor in an attempt to break dance. Stan and Kyle watched obliviously, weirded out for the most part.

"Dude, I wouldn't be laughing. You're fatter than half of those people." Kyle stated, bluntly. Cartman growled, his laughter still going. "Like hell I'm fat!" he paused to throw more potato chips in his mouth, bits of spit and food flying all over the place as he spoke. It made Kyle cringe at the sight. "Ahm just buff!"

The terrible remake of a Donna Summer song ended, and the dancers, in their obnoxiously gaudy sequin-adorned outfits, all took a bow. One large woman then took the stage, her bright white teeth shining like sparkly diamonds, and her hair all did up in a mile high beehive. _'We'll be right back with more DANCE YOUR ASS OFF after this commercial break.'_

"This is gay. I thought we were supposed to play games." Stan started to complain.

Kyle broke out in a laugh. "Dance your ass off. Ahaha! Cartman needs to be on that show! Hahaha!"

"Shut the fuck up, kike!" Cartman threw the remote control at Kyle, but missed as he ducked out of the way just in time. Kyle's reflexes had become automatic from the years of abuse and flying objects.

"Don't call me a kike, you fat fuck!" Kyle warned.

"I'm not fat, you piece of shit!" he pushed himself off the couch lazily, threatening to throw a punch at Kyle. Kyle grit his teeth and tore one of his gloves off, ready to fight.

Meanwhile, Stan nodded to Kenny towards the direction of the TV. "_The game_." he whispered. "It's over there."

"Ahhh." Kenny grinned, nodding back. While Kyle and Cartman were in a brawl, he sneaked behind the TV and searched through a stack of small boxes. He found the new video game sitting atop the pile and took the disc out from it's box. Shiny and brand new, just like a new game was supposed to be. He shoved the disc into his coat pocket, throwing a thumbs up at Stan. Everything went unnoticed by Cartman, who was too busy yelling at Kyle to realize that he'd been game-jacked. Maybe Kenny's superior theft skills weren't such a stereotype, after all.

"Umm, yeah..so we're going to go..play outside. I guess we'll see you guys later." Stan waved, ignored for the most part as they left the two to fight over their petty argument. He and Kenny ran out the door quickly. They dashed down the sidewalk away from Cartman's house and didn't stop running until they were at least a block away.

"Dude, I feel kind of bad that we left Kyle behind." Stan said guiltily.

Kenny shrugged. He pulled the shiny disc out of his pocket and then grinned. "Do you still feel bad?" he asked, waving the disc in front of Stan.

"Hey, let me see that." Kenny handed the disc to Stan, who flipped it over to look at. "Yeah, this is it." he smiled. "We got it! Yeah!" He and Kenny exchanged a high five, then he proceeded to read through the text at the bottom of the CD. Suddenly, his face fell. "Aww, Kennyyy!" he whined.

"What?"

"This is installation disc one of_ two_."

"Oh." Kenny replied. "Shit."


	2. Magical Sparklies

Butters shut the bathroom door closed, then looked into the mirror with a heavy sigh. Who was his _dad_ to tell him that he looked funny? After all, it he got his DNA from them, so it wasn't nobody's fault but theirs that he looked this way.

Then again, maybe he was adopted. Maybe_ that _was why he looked so weird, especially to his mom and dad. His real parents probably couldn't stand to look at him, and that's why they gave him up in the first place.

Mr. Garrison had taught the class that humans evolved from monkey fish frogs. For some reason, Butters felt that he looked a little more like a monkey fish frog than everyone else. Maybe he just hadn't evolved yet.

He opened the bathroom mirror in search for a toothbrush, but then a mountain of his mother's makeup things fell out and landed all over the floor with a loud bang. "Oh jesus!" he cried.

"BUTTERS!" his dad's bellowing voice boomed almost instantly from the floor below. "What was that bang I heard?"

"N-nuthin dad! I just dropped a comb!"

"It had better be nothing!" he yelled again.

Butters began picking up the little containers and lipsticks and putting them back on the shelf. There were so many containers of sparkly stuff, it was like a clown convention. Oh boy, what if his dad used the makeup too? His mom wasn't so much of a stickler, but Dad would definitely know if everything wasn't put back in their proper spots. And that only meant big trouble!

He tried to arrange them to best of his memory, but unfortunately had no idea where everything went. '_Geez, Butters, you're such an idiot for messing everything up.' _he scolded himself. It seemed like _everything _he touched got ruined somehow.

He stopped to examine a sparkly container of pink stuff. His mom must have used this one a lot, because it was almost empty. _'Huh..if mom uses this to make herself look normal every morning, maybe it'll work on me too_.'

Then again, how were you supposed to use these things? Butters had no idea. Maybe they were like magic dust, you sprinkle it on your face and it magically de-uglifies you. Then again, that would be too easy. His mother spent almost thirty minutes in the bathroom sometimes, so it had to be a pretty labor intensive process.

He opened the lid and dabbed a little bit on his finger. _'I guess you just smear it all around on your face like paint_.'

After rubbing a few globs of pink stuff all over his face and neck, he still didn't feel quite normal looking yet. Just a lot more sparkly, and pink.

This was just a case that would call for every piece of makeup on the shelf.

He put the pink container back, then picked out a sparkly red stick and dragged it around his face like a paint brush. After that, he took out a blue container of shimmering powder and patted it everywhere. Then he used a green one, and then a gold one. Finally, he picked a jar of some kind of orange colored liquidy stuff, not too far off from the shade of an Oompa Loompa. He found that this was a whole lot like fingerpainting, only instead of a piece of paper you use your face as a canvas. He even considered drawing a little sunrise with birds flying away on his forehead, but that would probably be too noticeable.

He put the cap back on the bottle of orange paint and stuck it on the shelf, standing back to admire his handy work.

Now he looked just like a swirled cyclone popsicle with sparkles all over. '_Cool!' _he thought. He knew he'd really done an awesome job.

* * *

Butters came downstairs a few minutes later to find his parents sitting at the kitchen table eating pancakes. Usually he wasn't allowed near them when they were eating breakfast, but today he felt brave. He smiled brightly, excited to see their response.

Mrs. Stotch nearly dropped her coffee when she saw her son's face. Stephen Stotch gasped.

"Oh my god, BUTTERS!" he yelled.

_'Uh oh_.' Butters panicked. Suddenly he was regretting his plan. Maybe he'd done it a little _too_ obvious. Maybe he was going to get grounded _forever_. He rubbed his knuckles together nervously, glaring down at the floor.

"I-I'm sorry dad..I can explain-"

"Son, you look normal today!" Mr. Stotch exclaimed. His initial shocked expression turned into a big smile, a smile that looked as though he had a son he could be proud of.

"Wh-whuh?" Butters questioned. He couldn't believe it.

"Oh my goodness! What a normal looking little boy we have, Stephen!" his mother gawked.

"Well, Butters, I guess we can let you eat breakfast with us today. Maybe you can even sit with us at dinner too, champ!" he grinned, patting Butters on the head. Butters had never felt so accepted in his life.

"Oh, whoopee!"

He just _had_ to try this at school tomorrow.

* * *

_NO, BUTTERS! DON'T TRY IT AT SCHOOL TOMORROW!_

_A few weeks ago I found my nephew in the bathroom doing the same thing..he actually did look like a cyclone popsicle. Children are so creative, aren't they?_


	3. Youtube Kills

"Kenny, you've been on my computer since 7PM, don't you think it's time to get some sleep?" Kyle asked groggily. He looked up at the clock that read _2:15AM_.

"NO! I'M WATCHING VIDEOS!" Kenny replied.

"You've been watching videos for about 7 hours now." Kyle shuffled the mouse from under Kenny's arm, which supported his drooling, nearly brain-dead head.

"But they're interesting!" he yelled.

"Okay." Kyle clicked the web history button, and scrolled through the list to read the video titles. "Spongebob blinks for ten minutes. Billy Mays mega-remix. Fat kids falling. Barney Rapes Children While I play Unfitting Music.." he shook his head in disgust. "_This_ is why I told you not to go on Youtube, Kenny. It makes you retarded! Just look at yourself!"

"They're not stupid...ugnhh..they're funny.." Kenny mumbled again, the spit oozing from his mouth.

Kyle tried to pry the keyboard away from him, but Kenny latched onto it and wouldn't let go. "JUST GIVE ME 2 MORE HOURS!"

Kyle sighed and gave up, throwing the keyboard back at him. "Whatever, dude. I'm going to sleep.. Just don't get a virus on my computer."

"_Jesus, this is worse than the time he found out about online porn_." he mumbled as he walked away. He went back downstairs, where Stan and Cartman had already fallen asleep.

The next morning, the boys woke up to the risen sunshine and also to a Kenny, who was still completely high off of pointless Youtube videos. His eyes were bloodshot, and it was now past 10AM. It was quite apparent that he'd never gone to sleep that night.

Kenny smiled at them blankly from the computer chair, looking a disheveled mess as he pointed at the screen. "Huhuhh..you guys check it out..a video of a fat lady eating a grape!"

They watched as Kenny continued to laugh and mumble crazily at the computer screen. "Shit! This is the fuh- funniesss stuff ever.."

He began to laugh so hard that he passed out on the floor and started convulsing, in a deranged sort of way. After a minute of maniacal laughter, he stopped. Apparently, his breathing had stopped, too, because he didn't move at all after that. "Aw, not on my carpet!" Kyle yelled.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "I told you guys, this is what happens to poor people when they discover the internet."


End file.
